How to avoid working with a damaging spiritual teacher
The irony of this title is that sometimes working with a damaging spiritual teacher is the most effective way to launch yourself into deep and authentic healing. The relationship dynamic itself is what becomes the ultimate guru.
But I like to think I’ve made a lot of mistakes along my spiritual path so maybe you don’t have to.
Let me explain.
Throughout my 20s, I had this subconscious program of working for bosses who did not have or respect boundaries. I worked super long hours, missed holidays with my family, got guilt tripped for using vacation days, received phone calls at all hours of the day/night, accepted verbal abuse, etc. Woof.
I was so tired of this ‘boundary-less’ program playing out in my reality, that I eventually took the uncalculated leap into working for myself and making my own rules.
But here’s the thing: I still hadn’t learned anything about boundaries. My struggle with boundaries manifested as workaholism and more difficult relationships. I was still overworking, people pleasing, burning out, spreading myself way too thin among clients, etc. despite their being no scary boss telling me to do those things.
It’s how I’d been conditioned, which wasn’t my fault. But it had absolutely become my adult responsibility. And I wasn’t yet taking responsibility.
So it should come as no surprise that this ‘boundary-less’ dynamic was once again mirrored by the early student-teacher dynamics when I was looking for guidance regarding my new-found mediumship ability.
In fact, it is through the chronology of my spiritual teachers that I can pinpoint exactly when I was able to start taking personal responsibility and begin setting boundaries. The quality of my teachers/mentors vastly improved.
There were teachers in the early years who, like me, lacked boundaries and reminded me of my former bosses. And then, a few years into the path, the wise teachers with air-tight boundaries started to show up. Growth had occurred.
I share this with you because until we, the students, learn what our blindspots and weakness in interpersonal relationships are, we will repeat the unhelpful narratives on a loop. And sometimes that loop is a painful one. But ultimately, it’s up to us to recognize and heal from it.
So the following advice may be very helpful and validating, but it may also be a bandaid solution to a gaping wound. You decide.
Red flags when working with online spiritual teachers:
There’s no end date. This may seem like a good thing at first, like there’s no rush to “figure it all out”, but it leaves you vulnerable for getting stuck instead of growing.
The teacher is supportive when you’re in a contractive state, but skeptical when you’re in an expansive one. Good spiritual teachers are here to guide you in expansion and growth. Misaligned spiritual teachers will be intimidated by this expansion and plant seeds of doubt.
The teacher talks poorly of past students who moved on. You can bet they’re going to talk the same way about you when you wisen up.
The teacher shames other students when in a group dynamic. This can be disguised as being a strict teacher, but when it leaves grown adults feeling like little kids — there’s a problem here.
You dread attending class or your 1:1 session, the underlying feelings consisting of fear, obligation, or guilt and just want to ghost out of the whole experience (if you can avoid ghosting and actually let the teacher know how they’ve failed you, that’s a tremendous sign of maturity).
Again, learning to recognize red flags are really great in building awareness around a damaging dynamic — but owning up to your role in the dynamic is what will truly set you free.
— Sunny x
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